Namaste beautiful souls,
It’s been a while since I posted, there are various reasons for the hiatus not least of which has been a general confusion and lack of clarity about my direction. Which has taken up so much space in my thoughts and mind there has been no room for anything else!
Do you ever get that? Times when you know you want a change, need a change, that a change is due, necessary, you are on the cusp but you have no idea where to go next? The answer seems always just out of reach?
I have always been a great believer in the notion that everything happens for a reason, and had faith in the idea that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given time. However, when the place you are supposed to be feels like limbo, like you are waiting on the edge of a cliff in a storm for the clouds to clear and new horizons and possibilities to reveal themselves, but the storm seems neverending engulfing you, the sky darker and heavier and the view more and more restricted, well, at times like that I am not always so good at heeding the lessons that yoga teaches us. To trust, to stay present, to enjoy the now.
Sometimes I can be very zen about it, trusting that it will all become clear if I just live in the moment and stay open to the opportunities that present themselves, I will be led effortlessly to pastures new. This belief reinforced by the many times in my life when this is exactly the way things unfolded. I just flowed with the tide and found myself somewhere new and wonderful, not really knowing how I got there, a series of coincidences it seems, but knowing somehow that it was no coincidence, I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Other times, like recently, I torture myself with the same question over and over. As if by asking the question repeatedly the answer will eventually appear. In fact, when I get stuck into this kind of negative cycle the answer never appears because there is no space for it, the space for the answer is taken up by the constant questioning. That tranquil, enlightening place, that ‘space between the breaths’ becomes ever more squeezed ’til there is no more space. Just frustration, impatience, haziness, lack of direction, lack of motivation, lack of awareness and the incessant questioning.
You sink down to a lower level of consciousness and then the self doubt sets in. All the while you are totally aware of the pattern, you know you aren’t helping the situation but you can’t switch it off. You can’t break the circle. Have you ever experienced this? This is where I have been for what seems like months now. A victim of my own Ego. Uncertain where I am going, uncertain what I ought to be working towards, uncertain about what I want but ever more clear about what I don’t want and getting more and more frustrated at the lack of vision for the future.
It’s not that I have not been able to enjoy things in my life as they happen, or have been permanently wrapped in a cloud of depression. Not at all. However even in those moments of joy, or happiness, hanging over everying is this shadow. This constant knowing that I am not doing what I want to be doing. I am not fulfilled. Constant searching but not finding. This feeling like time is passing me by. That I need to be making changes but paralysed from the uncertainty.
I have tried taking some steps to steer a new course, and each time I get blocked. So I have tried to find another angle and attack from there, but again blocked. Should it be so hard? When I think about it, the times when things have just somehow sort of worked out, were those times when I really didn’t question, I just left myself open to fate. Not that I didn’t work for things of course, but it was more a case of applying myself when I saw the opportunities and being present enough in the moment to recognise the opportunities when they came along. So, is it this hard now because I am supposed to learn to persevere to get my head down and grind through the difficult times, or is it a message that now is just not the right time, or that I am trying to walk the wrong path?
……..and then the questions come again invading my every cell, there is no peace and there is no answer, just constant questioning and self doubt.
You become about as removed from your gut instinct as you can be, because you are so caught up in your own self absorbed mind. You are not in your body, you walk along the road, at this beautiful time of year, Springtime, not noticing the daffodils sprouting up, or the birds signing, or the freshness of the Spring air. Not noticing, not appreciating. You just walk along turning the same questions over and over again in your head. Disconnected from your true self and totally absorbed by your Ego.
Have you ever had that? This is not a good place to be my friends.
Well, I have had enough of this torture. Finally after a number of ‘signs’ from the universe that now is just not the right time, or what I had planned is just not the right thing, I am ready to accept that. To concede that I have no idea what I am doing and to handover the reigns to a far greater power. To let go of my Ego’s need to have a plan, to know where I am going, and to accept that if I just breathe it will become clear. Or am I?
A few months ago I told myself the same thing, that enough was enough, that I was putting my faith in the universe to guide me as she has so often done. It was time to tune into my gut, my core, my true self and to trust. To stop the questioning and to quieten my mind so that there is room, space for new creative thinking, for ideas and dreams and visions to spring and form and develop. To believe not just in the universe but my place in it, my abilities to manifest those dreams. To believe in myself.
It worked for a short time, whilst the answers didn’t magically appear I was certainly a lot happier but it didn’t last long, my impatience at the apparent lack of progress reared it’s ugly head again and I was back, back to the questioning, back to the busy mind full of the same rubbish over and over again on loop, back to the darkness, back to the self doubt.
Patience is a virtue……I am struggling with patience…….
So I have decided to actively create the space in my life again. To go back to basics, those fundamentals which I know make me happier and more content in the moment but for one reason or another I have abandoned one by one as I sank down into the pit of shadows.
Today I pledge to 5 minutes of morning meditation, just 5 minutes of stillness every day, a practice I have let slide.
I will start each new day, in a new way, opening myself up to more by doing less, cultivating patience within.
5 mintues seems like nothing, but I know my mind is so full of nonsense at the moment, so busy, turning the same questions over and over, constant chatter and noise that 5 minutes will feel like an age. I know I will drift off into the questions and noise many times and I will have to pull myself back to centre, to stillness.
I have chosen the mantra ‘Sat Nam’ for this meditation. Focusing on ‘Sat’ as I breathe in and ‘Nam’ as I breathe out. ‘Sat’ meaning truth, has a vibration that moves upwards to the crown chakra. ‘Nam’ meaning name, is a grounding vibration that makes the divine manifest into the earth plane. You could translate Sat Nam as ‘Truth is my name’ or ‘I am Truth’. It is a way of acknowledging that our essence is THE ESSENCE. The universal truth is bigger than any human truth. It isn’t a matter of right or wrong or any concept we can clearly articulate but rather an acknowlegement that the Great Mystery, the Source is who we are!
I need to tune into that part of myself, to try to scratch the surface of Ego and illusion to find the truth. To experience it, pulsing through me. To feel connected again to vibrations, to myself. To get out of my head and become aware of my divinity. To know me again.
So chanting “Sat Nam” reaches up into the etheric plane and pulls the vibration of Infinity, of the divine into your awareness, your consciousness, and your physical world. By chanting “Sat Nam” or meditating upon it with your breath, you call into your awareness the state of the vibration of truth. You create an internal experience of what these words represent. Truth, enlightenment, consciousness and above all awareness, comes into your experience.
Powerful stuff eh?!
If you have also been struggling with a lack of clarity or stillness, finding it difficult to focus or tune into your knowing, then perhaps you might like to join me with 5 minutes of daily stillness, meditating on ‘Sat Nam’ with your breath. If you do try it, let me know how you get on. Maybe we can help each other by sharing our experiences.
That’s it for today beautiful souls, just a little view into my heart, mind and soul and the things with which I have been wrestling.
Until next time.